I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
