I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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