Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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