My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
