you guys were way drunker than both of me
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
