Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
