I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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