In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
