Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
