Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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