So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
