Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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