I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
