the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
