So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
