Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize