i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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