I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
