Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
