Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
