hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
