So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
