LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
