Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
