Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
