I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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