At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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