If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
We're using joints as your birthday candles
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
