Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
