I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
