I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
