While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
