Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
