last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
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