my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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