Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
