a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
