They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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