im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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