I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
