I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize