So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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