Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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