a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
