Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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