After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
