My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
