Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
