There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
