if you like me you must not know who I am
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
