false alarm. still invincible.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
