Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
