Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
