I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
i need some magic done to my vagina
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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