I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
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