If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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